As of late I have been watching many historical films and shows depicting the succulent beauty of our ancient past. The time of the French King Louis XIV who commissioned the building of the palace of Versailles with its golden interior and seashell gardens. To the ancient gladiators of Rome who turned fate into destiny, fighting predators with their bare hands. The excitement. The passion. The lust. Everything that I thought was wrong in humanity is depicted with such brilliant artistry in these shows. Even myself feels the desire to jump time and experience it myself.
Then I remember: I’m a woman. Probably not the ideal place to be as one with breasts and a womb.
This is not going to be a post about feminism or the patriarchy by the way. Rather I want to talk about the impact of something so much more important for many who have found themselves amongst the riddled times of shamed sex, divorce and broken marriages. The idea of love and the future of relationships for all. You connecting to your true self after the pain of divorce.
What could your love life look like if you fully embraced YOU and loved YOU as yourself? I will share some ways in which you can begin to draw this in and erase the relationship woes of the past.
Some context for you:
I grew up in a household where the importance of sanctified marriage and a disdain of premarital sex was preached. The beliefs engrained in my head: “Get married to a good person and stay married to said person. Oh and sex is bad unless its done missionary style.”
Following high school I did what every other young 17 year old would do, I ventured off to university, a place far from any parental influence I was soon to discover. This new found autonomy lended to sexual discoveries about my body, men (and women), the world of sexual deviances (as I’m sure my parents would call them) and (ethical) non-monogamy.
Basically I was searching for love in all the wrong places, though at the time I did not perceive it as such.
I did eventually come to meet the man who would become my daughter’s father. He was exciting and adventurous. Comfortable and friendly. Many things I did like about him and in actuality he was the first man I actually considered sticking around with. With that comfortability came the messaging from my parents about the importance of maintaining the ‘right home’: aka marriage.
This is where I made the first big error of not listening to myself (my intuition).
Deep down I knew that marriage was not for me. A voice inside me was telling me not to do it. Not to heed to my parents’ demands to marry. Not to heed to anyone’s suggestions on moving in together or exploring deepening the relationship.
Yet a part of me felt scared that if I did not go forward with this then I was not honoring him. Another part felt scared of failing. Failing myself. Failing him, failing the relationship, and of course, failing my parents.
So we got married.
I got pregnant.
We bought a house.
Did the things that married people do.
The whole time I felt mostly happy and fulfilled yet there was a sense of chasing something beyond and at the time my awareness did not have the words for it.
Fast-forward button:
Maternity leave gives me too much time to think about life and I come across the belief that humans are meant to be non-monogamous. I suggest polyamory because that feels right. My husband at the time agrees out of his own fears of losing me. We begin chasing something outside of the relationship. I go through a spiritual emergence. I finally realize I was living a lie and decide to end the marriage.
(Okay great we are caught up!)
Watching the movies of old and reading about the historical context of marriage and relationships, it has come to my attention just how little respect for love was prominent in the ancient world. Marriage was for political gains as it allowed bloodlines to become stronger by obtaining more property and wealth. Women were property and their rights were no more than the cattle grazing on the land.
Men (and some of the wealthier women) were permitted silently to have extra-marital affairs with concubines and mistresses to satisfy their sexual whims.
There was disrespect for one’s partner. And disrespect towards love.
I too found myself guilty of not honoring the most important love of all: Love of Self.
[I will add here to those of you who do not know about polyamory / (ethical) non-monogamy - it is the practice of being in relationship with more than one person where all parties are aware of the relationships and a striving occurs to be as open and integral. My (ex)husband and I were aware of each other’s relationships and had particular rules as to what was and was not allowed. So please do not go throwing shade at me for infidelity. But if you must, I forgive you.]
Amongst these words you may be wondering what I am getting at.
This morning I woke up with the word ‘Divorce’ in my head and it had me pondering the meaning and implication on all who have experienced it or are in the midst of making decisions in their relationships.
My parents were (and still are) very much against the concept of divorce. Reminding me of the vows I made before God and our friends/family. They may never comprehend the level of disagreement and pain that became present in my marriage.
Your parents will most likely never understand either.
Only you and your spouse will know - and even then, your spouse may be oblivious!
What I learned along this path of marriage and divorce was that there were some underlying learnings percolating within me:
Listen to your Intuition
Your intuition is always speaking to you. Your body knows the answer. It feels it with the subtle vibration that is either a JUICY YES or and HELL NO. I think back to the moment my partner was proposing to me in the apartment. I felt suspended in the air. Time stopped and I heard loud and clear within me that my response should be NO. Yet my ego and the part of me that wanted to people please felt guilty. So my response was not aligned with my intuition.
After another ‘failed’ relationship (a successful learning in my books) I quickly came to learn that my intuition was talking to me much more loudly than I had surmised. And the most important thing was I had actually started to listen to her. My body. My womb. (and men you still have your body and your intuition talking to you).
If you are in a relationship, married or dating, or you are considering the next steps of your relationship, the invitation here is for you to take a moment every day (10-15 minutes will do) and breathe gently into your belly. Then ask your body to show you what does a HELL NO feel / look like. Notice your body sensations. When you get the answer, then shake it out and return to gentle breathing. Then ask your body to show you a JUICY YES! What arises? How is it different then the HELL NO response?
With the measurements in place shake out and breathe again, relaxing your body. Now ask your body if the relationship is in your highest good or not? Or any such question as you may need the answer to. Notice your body’s response.
A word on this: I want to highlight quickly that sometimes your body will give you an answer that you may doubt. The recommendation here to take a break and come back to the practice later. Sometimes the ego mind can get in the way of receiving a response. Another note is that sometimes our intuition is guiding us someplace that we do not yet see or know.
I experienced this in the toxic relationship following my ended marriage. I was in the throws of toxicity and harmful behaviours for way too long, though reflecting back, I realized that, even though it was not ideal, there were still many lessons I had yet to learn and thus the reason why I kept returning. Then one day a switch flipped in my mind and I felt the body surety that it was qalas (done!).
Love comes to those that Wait
This adage, what does it really mean? What does it mean to wait? My prescription is that waiting actually means to love oneself; to come into a sense of peace and patience within self. after the last relationship ended, the part of me wanted to rush into the next because of its fear of loneliness. Yet I made a commitment to myself to no longer make the same relationship choices. Rather, I dedicated myself to a year long period of sobriety from men, sex, and relationship.
In addition, I dedicated myself that when I began dating again, I would withhold from any sexual interactions with men for 90 days. That began the journey of deep contemplation of the love for myself, something that I had really not explored - and it felt so good! I began to explore my own body and new ways. Began to explore what it meant to be a powerful woman. The work with the Red Goddess Babalon showed up and I was invited to embody her essence and begin the process of healing my issues around self worth and religious trauma. (If you are interested in working with the Red Goddess and beginning this process yourself I invite you to check out the Red Goddess ritual that sparked it - available here on my website).
Love does come to those who wait and you are so worth the wait my friend!
So if you were feeling the rush to be in relationship (or for those of you wishing to get out of relationship), I invite you to explore what your self love relationship is. What are you doing for you? What time have you set aside to cultivate love towards yourself: your body, your mind, your soul?
Oh and I’ll say that this shit works because I did it and I now find myself in the most loving, accepting and passionate relationship I have ever experienced. He came into my life, respects my boundaries and his own, is dedicated to his own spiritual walk, and our visions are aligned (which is not something I had ever experienced in the past). Each morning I wake up and it feels like a JUICY YES to see him and explore life in the way we are exploring it together and individually.
I thank the Goddess Babalon for her lustful, passionate blood that beats through my veins.
Stop Abandoning Yourself
The word divorce is derived from the early 15th century term ‘divorcen’ meaning to “put away or abandon (a spouse).” Through my own experience of divorce, quickly began to realize that my dad held view that I was ex-husband. During the entire relationship, I felt I was carrying the world on my shoulders - not my world, but his, my child’s, my parents’, my grandmothers’ grandmothers’, and all the women before me.
The problem was, I had abandoned myself. I had forgotten about the most important person, the fulcrum of the whole scenario: Me.
So many people find themselves in relationships where they have completely abandoned themselves. It's no one's fault really. Many of us are not taught to stand up for ourselves or do what is right for us. We are not taught to listen to our bodies or our intuitions. Instead we are encouraged to put ourselves last and this has dire consequences. We thus live in a world now where people are on two ends of the spectrum: either they are egotistically self-focused with no regard for their fellow human, or they allow others to walk all over them.
Where are you along the spectrum? Is it time for change?
This change begins from within you.
Ways to stop abandoning yourself include:
saying No when you actually do not want to do something
go to therapy, see a healer or begin that self development program you have been contemplating to begin the process of self discovery (the Pathworking series may just be the thing to start the ball rolling)
do something for YOU every day - have a bath, go for a massage, tell the kids & your partner they can make dinner for a change so you can get a break, whatever it is!
talk to the inner child / part of you that feels abandoned - journaling or meditating on this can be of great help
Sometimes the abandonment wound can be bigger than these steps can support with. This is where I feel plant medicine can come in to support. The consciousness of the plants can guide us to deeper realizations of how we are living our life and how it is no longer working. That’s the hardest part of working with the plants: you are shown the truth of what is not working and have the choice to make a change. If plant medicine work is calling you, feel free to check out my Microdosing Integration program or reach out to discuss about a facilitated larger dose journey.
As we find ourselves in Leo, the season of the Lion, know that you have the internal fortitude to meet the greatest love in your life: YOU.
Blessed be.
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